a wide place

Earlier this week I wrote about our typical school days this year.

But those are just the nuts and bolts. I wanted to follow up with a little more about how I feel about our school year.

First of all, it cannot be denied that I’m a whole new person now that I’m not teaching at a homeschool co-op (the past three years) or helping out with a co-op (the 7 years before that!). It’s strange because teaching writing and literature was always a dream of mine. And for awhile I absolutely loved it. But then, for a variety of reasons, it stopped being a good fit.

The biggest reason was simply that I felt like I was giving my best to the co-op while our school at home was getting the leftovers. With diagnoses and conversations about ADHD and dyslexia floating around our home, I also had this strong sense that my younger boys need more of me in this season.

I’m so very glad I listened to my stress and my intuition and the advice of David and others and stopped teaching outside the home. But it was hard to give up that tiny portion of my identity. When people asked what I do, it was a relief to be able to offer teaching as something that gives me worth, rather than just “stay-at-home mom.” Isn’t that silly?

Well, in the end it was a small price to pay for the freedom and joy I feel. Yesterday my cousin asked if I was glad I decided to stop teaching, and Amie told her, “Mom is so happy now!” I’m also glad I made the decision to step away from any co-op for a year.

I’ve had the best time focusing my energies on our home school this year. Except for one year when we took a break, it’s actually the first time in 10 years we haven’t been part of a co-op (of course I’m excluding my high schoolers from this).

I have so many thoughts about the previous years.

My biggest thought is, I wish we would’ve followed a Charlotte Mason homeschool philosophy from the very beginning. I honestly always wanted to; it was the educational philosophy that most captured my heart. But it never worked for our family, and I see now that it’s because I tried to start with the practices instead of the philosophy. Charlotte Mason isn’t a curriculum you buy; it’s a way of viewing children and Creation and the learning process that colors everything you do. If I would’ve understood this sooner, I would’ve embraced it sooner.

But that’s okay. Part of why I am writing this post is that the Lord provides. He uses what little we have if we offer it up to Him in humility and faith.

So many young homeschool moms want me to tell them exactly what to do, what to buy, what co-op to join. I understand because I did the exact same thing when I was their age. I was desperate to “get it right.” But through the years I’ve learned what every older homeschool mom tried so hard to tell me, There’s simply not one right way for every family or even every student.

Just start somewhere. Just do the next right thing. Just make the best decision with the information available to you right now, or with the money you have. And be faithful to the curriculum and co-op you’ve chosen, trusting that God will redirect as He wants you to grow and change. Most of learning happens through trial and error I think.

So I’d say: Don’t live in anxiety. But at the same time, continue to be a learner. Don’t grasp hold of every trend, but do be open to new perspectives and voices (you know the difference: if an Instagram account or podcast is producing anxiety; stop following it. But if it’s bringing you joy and wonder and the welling-up feeling of Yes! This is the right fit!, then dive deeper).

In the end, the reason I took the plunge and switched completely to Charlotte Mason homeschooling is that I noticed Gabe and Noah did not learn well with the more traditional classical method. They did not thrive on worksheets and lectures and facts memory work. I now believe my big kids didn’t either, but I did not have the confidence or knowledge or community to change courses when they were younger and you know what? That’s okay.

By God’s grace, they are strong, confident, creative young people now who love to learn. See what I mean? The Lord has so many different ways of teaching and growing our kids, no matter which philosophy we use. He covers a multitude of our mistakes. This is humbling and also incredibly freeing.

So this is a very long post to say: we are just loving Charlotte Mason homeschooling. We’re soaking it in. I don’t have a Scripture or poetry or hymn memory goal; we simply move on to the next one and keep going. But by now, in November, the boys and I have memorized over a dozen Bible verses, four breath-taking poems by Carl Sandburg, and four classic hymns.

This is what I regret about our years of classical education: over the course of 7 years we devoted hours upon hours to memorizing history, science, math and Latin facts. I even had one child who was a “memory master” in our co-op. And my children have by and large forgotten it all. All of it. Now I know the reason: facts don’t engage our emotions. We don’t develop relationships with facts when they’re pulled away from real people and real stories.

In contrast, Gabe, Noah and I are being formed by our memory work this year. Gabe’s imagination is captured by the regal cathedral music of one of our hymns and he asked to attend a service at a more traditional church in town to experience it in person. The phrases of our Scripture are in our minds and on our lips throughout the day, I catch myself snapping at one of my kids and stop because, “Be not rash with your mouth nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God. For God is in heaven and you are on earth; therefore, let your words be few.” I apologize to my child, “I was rash with my mouth and I am sorry.”

We see a new believer baptized at church and think, “I will thank you forever because you have done it. I will wait for your name for it is good, in the presence of the godly.”

We walk the dog together and notice the ready-to-bloom camellias lining our street and say aloud, “Look! A storm of white petals/Buds throw open baby fists into hands of broad flowers.“

Or crunching the leaves in front of Grandpa and Mum Mum’s house, Rabbles of tattered leaves/Holding golden flimsy hopes/Against the wind. . .

It’s a beautiful way to live.

Charlotte Mason told us that children are born persons, whose minds are fed by living ideas as we spread a feast before them. They won’t grasp hold of every single thing perhaps, but they will retain and enjoy what speaks to them personally.

I love that through living books, people from history become like real friends to us as we read about and narrate their lives. We reference Abraham Lincoln, Gustav Eiffel, Susan B. Anthony, Thomas Edison, George Mueller as if they are people we know.

Do Gabe and Noah miss being part of a co-op?

Yes they do.

I think co-ops can be wonderful, and that is what we needed for many years in order to keep us homeschooling. I truly think I would’ve quit otherwise, and for that reason it doesn’t matter to me that my kids don’t remember the history facts they learned.

Now we’re apart of a community that meets once a month for book clubs and nature study and art, and the moms also meet once a month for Mom Book Club, and we love it. If my boys had their preferences, we’d do more. I feel at peace with where we are right now though. They have a great community of friends at church, and are able to play a sport each season since I have more margin in my schedule now (we just do church league sports . . . that’s about as much commitment as our family can handle).

Interestingly, I’ve noticed we probably have more conflict to work through now than in the past, simply because we’re together more and see more of one another’s sin. I do think busyness makes life momentarily more convenient because you’re moving from one activity to the next and don’t always have to stop and face your own heart and your capacity for selfishness. Now a lot of the busyness is removed and we’re left with our sin and how it affects one another.

That’s been a hard adjustment for me because I want my life to be easy and I don’t want my kids to inconvenience me. I certainly don’t want them pointing out my sin. But yesterday, after Gabe and I had a huge argument that ended with us both in tears, hugging, forgiving and being forgiven, I had the thought, I’m so glad we’re doing this now. This is us, him and me, the rest of our lives. This is our relationship. I accept this chipping away at my rough edges so that I’ll be a kinder person. I accept him pointing out my very real hypocrisy. I accept this hard work now so we will grow closer and closer in the coming years.

In short, our Charlotte Mason journey has apparently been just as much about my education as my kids’.

In closing, I wanted to give you a little resource list, in case you’re interested in homeschooling or learning more about Charlotte Mason.

My very favorite Charlotte Mason podcast is The New Mason Jar, but Modern Miss Mason with Leah Boden is also excellent, as well as The Commonplace podcast with Autumn Kern.